Blended, Mended & Tended

It hardly feels like six years have passed since I went through the pain and heartache of divorce. I never dreamed the day would come when I would look back and say, "thank you God for the valleys," but my Father has the amazing ability to turn tragedy into triumph.

There is still a stigma that goes with being divorced - even scriptural divorces. One of the largest hurdles I had to overcome was a sense of failure. I no longer believed that I was qaulified to actively lead in the local church. I withdrew from teaching Bible classes, preaching and engaging myself in the local work. Much of this was self-imposed, some of it was the way I was percieved and treated by others.

We have a responsibility to provide healing to those who are hurting. Many are fearful of ministering to blended families because of the Biblical and emotional challenges that come in dealing with multiple marriages. Part of our mission is to call sinners to repentance (whatever state we find them in).

Blended: I am not sure I am comfortable with the term "blended families." We love to label things. We seem to find comfort in attaching a name to everything (too often a politically correct name). It is a challenge to bring two established families together. You have two value systems, two sets of ingrained habits, two sets of children. In the end those values and practices have to become one. One family, one set of objectives, one value system. It is especially important in the church to be inclusive of all our families (blended families, single parent families, etc.). In creating an environment of acceptance, we invite them into the larger family of God.

Mended: There are so many hurts that come through divorce. Having been through it, I would encourage everyone to be sure that divorce is your final option. Exhaust every avenue of counseling, support groups, prayer and restoration workshops. I have seen far too many adults who have never recovered from the betrayal, heartache and pain of divorce, but for all we experience as adults the destructive nature it has on children can never be fully measured. The family of God is a place for healing. There is great value at times in being broken, but there is also a need to heal. Like any good 12 step program, I believe part of my own mending process has been the need to help others along their journey to renewal and restoration.

Tended: Shepherds are supposed to tend the flock. They can do this directly and they can do this by providing services that help our members. Six years have passed. I am happily married, I have a great family, but at times I still feel the sting. I may run across something I wrote a decade ago about my family, see the effects on my children, or simply mourn over that period of my life. I find comfort in a Christian family who has supported and embraced me without exception. I am not the divorced guy, or remarried, or blended. I am just another servant in the kingdom who is fully accepted by my family.

Far too often our efforts to help those who are hurting are filled with good intentions, but grounded in bad pyschology. We tell people, "don't worry things will get better," or "you just need to get on with your life." Easy to say when you are not the one whose life is unraveling in front of your eyes.

I had two friends who understood mending and tending better than anyone I have ever known. They would take me to lunch just to talk and visit. They treated it like they would any other brother or sister. No questions about how I was doing, no empty platitudes, simply friends being friends. They loved me through the toughest times of my life by treating me the way they always treated me. Their actions said, "you are the same guy we have always known and loved." To them I wasn't fragile, I wasn't broken, I was just their friend.